DECREE OF DIVORCE
MR. NOBERT PICKLES
MRS. NOBERT PICKLES
MRS. NOBERT PICKLES, nee PETUNIA PENNY, has brought forth a Petition for the Dissolution of Marriage to NOBERT PICKLES, a k a NICK LIGHTBEARER, citing as cause "Irreconciable Differences" caused by, but not limited to, MR. PICKLES'S Adultery, Substance Abuse (Mild), Frequent Violation of Affections, Mental Incapacity at the Time of Marriage, Mental Incapacity Prior to Marriage, Improper Treatment of "Groupies," Alleged Induced Stockholm Syndrome, Substance Abuse (Heavy), Bigamy (Unintentional), Polygamy (Intentional), Substance Abuse (Grievous), Impotence (Severe), and "How he's always shrieking about the house because he blew his eardrums oout onstage every single night."
The Court finds that MRS. PICKLES is therefore entitled to a Decree of Dissolution of Marriage. The Court also finds that MRS. PICKLES is entitled to a fair share of MR. PICKLES'S assets. Due to compounding factors not limited to Emotional Enstrangement, Verbal Henpicking, Enforced Proximity to Terrible Substances, Frequent State of Disrobery, Unseemly Shenanigans and Continued Exposure to the Sounds of Poorly-Recieved Late-Career Albums, we calculate her entitlement to be no less than 90% of his earnings, past, present and future.
IT IS THEREFORE ORDERED.