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Whenever the player dies, the Hamlyn "O" Courant or So Mod Magazine dedicates a page detailing the player character's demise. All of the playable characters have unique articles describing the accident, with John Constable being the only exception.

Arthur Hastings[]

Arthur Hastings' obituary appears in the the Hamlyn "O" Courant.

Gone on holiday to recuperate from an amateur skydiving accident[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was the captain of the Chess Club at Writhlington School, winning the Wellington Wells Chess Championship in 1947. Most recently, he has served as Redactor at the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling under Miss Victoria Byng. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and published a book of poetry entitled, "Waiting for Tomorrow."

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm. We all wish him well on his holiday, and look forward to his return."

  • The player gets this article if they died by falling from tall heights

Gone on holiday to explore new and more exciting cuisines[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was the captain of the Chess Club at Writhlington School, winning the Wellington Wells Chess Championship in 1947. Most recently, he has served as Redactor at the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling under Miss Victoria Byng. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and published a book of poetry entitled, "Waiting for Tomorrow."

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm. We are all excited to hear about his experiences when he returns."

Gone on holiday after a bout of excessive enthusiasm donating blood[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was the captain of the Chess Club at Writhlington School, winning the Wellington Wells Chess Championship in 1947. Most recently, he has served as Redactor at the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling under Miss Victoria Byng. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and published a book of poetry entitled, "Waiting for Tomorrow."

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm. We are all excited to hear about his experiences when he returns."

  • The player gets this article if they died by bleeding out

Gone on holiday to recuperate from an unfortunate blow to the head[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was a star pupil at Writhlington School, winning the Radstock Prize for his essay, "Into the Bright Future." Most recently, he has served as Redactor at the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling under Miss Victoria Byng. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and loved to play lawn tennis.

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm. We all wish him well on his holiday, and look forward to his return."

  • The player gets this article if they died during combat

Gone on holiday to recuperate after overexerting himself swimming[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was the editor of the Writhlington School's newspaper, The Weekly Knowledge, and later was a reporter for the Hamlyn "O" Courant. More recently, he joined the staff of the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and an avid player of contract bridge.

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm, and a pet gecko, "Sparky." We all wish him well on his holiday, and look forward to his return."

  • The player gets this article if they jumped into the sea

Gone on holiday to recuperate from an excessively strict bout of dieting[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings was the captain of the Chess Club at Writhlington School, winning the Wellington Wells Chess Championship in 1947. Most recently, he has served as Redactor at the Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling under Miss Victoria Byng. He was a member of the Religious Society of Friends, and published a book of poetry entitled, "Waiting for Tomorrow."

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm. We all wish him well on his holiday, and look forward to his return."

  • The player gets this article if they died by starvation

Gone on holiday to recuperate after fainting from excessive thirst[]

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"Born on August 12, 1934, Arthur Ernest Hastings briefly played clarinet for the Writhlington School's jazz band. After graduating, he pursued a career in journalism, ultimately joining the staff of the Wellington Wells Department of Archives, Printing & Recycling. A confirmed bachelor, Hastings was a member of the Religious Society of Friends.

He leaves behind an uncle, Norton Keynes, 55, of St. George Holm, and a pet lizard, "Sparky." We all wish him well on his holiday, and look forward to his return."

  • The player gets this article if they died by thirst

Sally Boyle[]

Sally Boyle's obituary appears in the So Mod Magazine.

What's the Buzz?[]

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"No one accused Sally Boyle of being particularly sanguine, but she's got plenty of the old corpuscles as it turns out. Sally recently made quite a splash on Carnaby Street. Although we will miss her whilst she's on holiday, we admire her stylish exit. She always did look smart in red!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by bleeding out

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"Sally Boyle always did have a penchant for conflict. Her spats with Dr. Verloc could shatter a chandelier (though, of course, we always took her side - thank Coco she taught him how to dress). However, Sally seems to have run into someone who gave her as good as they got. She's gone on holiday to lick her wounds, and doesn't a certain scientist wish he were there to help (don't smirk, kittens - you were thinking the same thing!)"

  • The player gets this article if they died during combat

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"Sally Boyle, our fave mermaid (Was that not the best costume ever?) has apparently gone for a bit too long of a swim. She always did have a certain "breathless" quality. Ha ha! We are sure she'll make a big "splash" wherever she's gone. Her absence means this year's costume contest trophy is up for grabs. So get sewing, kittens - perhaps it could be yours!"

  • The player gets this article if they jumped into the sea

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"Madcap Sally Boyle! She'll try anything once! It seems Sally's most recent divertissement is circus tricks - tightrope walking over a great void. We always said that girl was destined for dizzying heights! Sally has gone on holiday to recover from a bit of a fall, but everyone who saw her most recent circus spectacle raves about how smashing it was!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by falling from tall heights

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"Someone told us a story once - we can't remember the details - about how Sally Byole was a notoriously picky eater. Her mum couldn't get her to eat like the other children. Well, Sally seems to have overcome her finicky ways. She's gone on holiday to recover from what we believe to have been an overly hot curry. Oh these daring young things! We'll stick to our good old beans-on-toast, thank you!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by food poisoning

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"Perk up your ears, kittens! We've got news! Sally Boyle has taken our fashion advice too much to heart. Last year whilst she tried to make huge, billowy dresses all the rage, some of us sniped that she could afford to lose a stone. Well, it seems she went on a reducing regime and has become so slim she's disappeared! Although we'll certainly miss her cheer - and her Sally Specials - we're sure that, wherever she's gone, she looks fabulously lithe. And won't she have some stories to tell when she's back!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by starvation

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"No one ever accused Sally Boyle of turning down a cocktail. But it seems Sally's gone on the wagon lately - she hasn't had a drink in quite some time. We hear she's gone on holiday to some far-off desert planet, and whilst we'll miss her, we're certain that everyone there will salivate over her style. Perhaps she'll even appreciate our dry humour! Ha ha! Is it teatime yet, kittens? We're sooo parched."

  • The player gets this article if they died by thirst

Ollie Starkey[]

Ollie Starkey's obituary probably appears in the the Hamlyn "O" Courant.

Starkey to Go on Leave After Return from AWOL[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey received 9 demerits and holiday leave for general untidiness and failure to clean up spilled fluids. However, his absence should not adversely affect camp efficiency, claims a fellow soldier, "because Starkey has been AWOL so long most of us had sort of forgotten about him." In related news, the winner of the Best Riddle contest is Pte. Bromhead with the following: "What's black and white and red all over? The Camp Gazette mopping up Ollie's entrails! Ha ha ha!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by bleeding out

Starkey to Go on Leave[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey, a three-time Army Boxing Champion, has been recommended for a combat decoration. "Ollie always did like to mix it up," says a former colleague who declined to be named in fear that Starkey might not actually have gone on holiday. Starkey's penchant for pugilism had twice previously resulted in his being stripped of his sergeant rank, however those same talents always helped him restore his rank afterwards. His decoration ceremony will take place when he returns from his holiday."

  • The player gets this article if they died during combat

Starkey Retrains for Navy[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey has requested a transfer to the Navy as he apparently prefers to be a frogman. This surprised many of his colleagues, as Starkey's aqueous exploits had previously been limited to the imbibing variety. The transfer was approved, and his disciplinary file will be sent to the Naval Office as soon as a wheelbarrow can be located. We all wish Starkey a Bon Voyage."

  • The player gets this article if they jumped into the sea

Starkey to Join the Airborne[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey, previously the aide de camp to General Byng, has recently been transferred to the airborne division. Starkey's aerial aptitude has long been apparent to his fellow soldiers. Says a comrade who declined to be named, "There's many a fellow what thought Starkey should take a flying leap." We all wish Starkey well on his first big jump."

  • The player gets this article if they died by falling from tall heights

Starkey Reminded That an Army Travels on its Stomach[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey recently suffered a slight tummy ache on a foraging training exercise. He will be going immediately on holiday whilst he feels dyspeptic. Starkey is perhaps best remembered as the 6-time Army Pub Darts Champion, though a former supervisor recalls that "his aim was suspiciously inaccurate, with a tendency to veer towards officers." We all wish Starkey well on his leave."

  • The player gets this article if they died by food poisoning

Starkey No Longer at Fighting Weight[]

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"Sergeant Oliver Starkey's exploits have long been immortalized in camp songs. New verses have recently been added by Pte. Bromhead:

Ollie skipped his lunch and tea. Parlez-vouz!
Ollie skipped his lunch and tea. Parlez-vouz!
Ollie skipped his lunch and tea.
With him gone, there'll be more for me!
Hinky dinky parlez-vouz!

Bromhead adds, "As the remaining verses are unprintable, you'll have to wait until we all go marching again. So you shouldn't have to wait very long!"

  • The player gets this article if they died by starvation

Starkey Transferred to Dry Dock[]

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Memoriam Ode by Reggie Gibbon

"There once was a chap named Starkey
Who was rather too fond of anarchy.
His comrades won't cry
Now he's shriveled and dry.
He always was quite full of malarkey."

  • The player gets this article if they died by thirst

Roger Bacon[]

Inis Holm Fireowrks![]

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Your fellow citizens were treated to a fabulous unannounced display of fireworks over Inis Holm yesterday. Starting with a spectacular beam of light rising from the vicinity of Dr. Helen Faraday's lab, the fireworks included prodigious noises and a brilliant impression of motilene flames rising high over Blenheim Square. The display was said to be followed by a surprise parade of numerous vehicle prototypes of Dr. Faraday's design. Further reports on the pyrotechnic extravaganza will have to wait, however, as the inhabitants of Inis Holm are said to be so exhausted by the awesome exhibition, which went on long into the night, that no one has heard from them since.

Nick Lightbearer[]

Nick Lightbearer Goes on World Tour![]

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Wellington Wells's own pop primouomo Nick Lightbearer gave a gaggle of groupies the slip last night as he dashed out of a fan club convention on a mission to spread Nickymania across the globe. "He belongs to the world now," sobbed one super-fan as she contemplated months without a sighting of her beloved blue-eyed beat bard.

The mustachioed muso is out to promote his latest "A Lysergic Odessey [sic] With Mr. Nick Lightbearer." The corduroy-clad cutie has reportedly abandoned the Merseybeat stylings of LPs for a more experimental sound. "Expect plenty of sitar," said one insider. "I mean, quite a bit of it."

Victoria Byng[]

Victoria Byng Promoted to Regional Administrator![]

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Clive Birtwhistle, newly appointed Director of the Department of Archives, Printing and Recycling, today announced the seconding of Victoria Byng to a position overseeing the entire Bristol Channel administrative division. "We are truly relighted to share the news of Miss Byng's career advancement," Birtwistle said in a statement. "Her first duties will take her on a lengthy working holiday, to observe archiving, printing and recycling techniques across the region."

Buff Conformist.png Trivia[]

  • Although the player cannot die by the plague, each of the playable characters have death screens related to dying by the plague.
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