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What should I have done? Should I have turned around and said Yes I will yes, come with me, we'll go at dawn, whatever you say?

I always used to wonder, if I'd run out the door after her, that day, what would have happened to us. Would we still be friends? Or was the magic all in my head?

Who am I kidding? 16-year-old-me would never have had the courage to leave home!

And here I am, running out the door when she wants to come with. Not entirely  unlike what I did to Percy. I wonder what lies I'll tell myself about her later.

Am I really doing this for Percy? Is that just another convenient lie? Because I needed a reason to go off Joy? And he was the only one I could come up with?

What if she is utterly sincere? What if she honestly does want me, and love me,  and need me? Do I have utterly no faith left in anyone?

And she'd survive and I'd get killed. A girl like her shipwrecks, and the next day she's drinking margaritas under palm leaves. Yours truly is shark bait.

I can't. I just can't. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

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